Married Swiss and still exploring – Adam H. Graham

How long have you been married Swiss?

Eight years, though technically same sex marriage is still prohibited in Switzerland, so we have a Registered Partnership (Eingetragene Partnerschaft), which affords me many, but not all, of the same rights. Legislation is pending for same sex marriage in Switzerland, though some political parties are still vehemently against it and fighting it every step of the way. A referendum is expected this or next year.

How did you meet your Swiss partner?

Online

How did you decide (or not) to call Switzerland home?

We were long distance dating for a few years between NYC and Zurich before mutually deciding that I should move to Switzerland. We got registered so that I could move here legally.

How do you deal with two languages at home? How do you encourage the “minority” language?

Full confession: We speak English at home mostly, expect when Ralph is mad and swears at me in Swiss German. I try to speak some Swiss German when we take small hikes or go on mini trips in the region or have dinner with Swiss German friends. I can order a meal and have a cursory convo in three of the four native languages, but I often lean on English when convos go a little deeper. I continue to learn all of the languages here, but admittedly struggle with Swiss German more than I do Italian and French. I am forever trying to improve.

What have been some challenges?

Swiss German food. Specifically, the Swiss German food mentality. Swiss Germans tend to prefer tradition over flavor and I constantly complain to Ralph (or anyone who listens) about that. Also, during Coronavirus I’ve really struggled being here. I spend a lot of time working in Japan, so masks aren’t a big deal for me, but so many Swiss see masks as an impediment to their freedom, which annoys me to no end. I just see masks as a simple solution. This, combined with a sense of Swiss entitlement that “Coronavirus won’t effect us” has really shaken my trust in the country. The biggest challenge however, is that most Swiss don’t like to hear ANYTHING negative about their culture, so it’s hard to voice even the teeniest bit of criticism without being attacked or told “to go back home” by people you thought were your friends. But I now regularly remind Swiss people that this is my home too. Like most expats here, I pay Swiss taxes, pay into Swiss social security, pay Swiss health insurance and I don’t earn a Swiss wage and I cannot vote here. And I cannot even legally get married to the person I love! When I bring this up, it usually gets them thinking about the unfairness in their own culture. And most Swiss believe in fairness and want to do the right thing, so while speaking up is difficult and sensitive, it’s important.

What is your favourite thing about being married Swiss?

I love Swiss kindness and consideration. People will hold the tram door for you and they will say Grüezi when they walk into a doctor’s office or en guete when they see you eating on the train or on a hiking trail. Engagement here is important. I think that’s something special and unique to this country. I also love living so close to the gorgeous alps and having access to so many other countries and cultures. And of course, most of all, Swiss preparedness is fantastic. Most Swiss I know have a MacGyver like sensibility when it comes to being prepared. The trunk of Ralph’s car is like a treasure trove of life saving gadgets and solutions, from tire chains, to flare kits, to dried soup and water filters. Swiss people love to find solutions to problems, even before the problems happen. As the spouse of a Swiss, I benefit from all that security. And I’ve made these Swiss traits my own habits too.

Your family’s favourite meal:

Of course we love Swiss classics like fondue, raclette, poulet im chörbli, and käseschnitte, but we tend to cook more Japanese, SE Asian, and Mexican at home, cuisines we both love, and which are much healthier and more flavor forward than Swiss or American cuisine. Sukiyaki and Tacos probably take top place in our kitchen. Laotain Larb is common too. We have a schrebergarten, so I love to grow my own herbs, fruit, and veg and use them in my cooking. Bland and greasy rösti!? No thanks. That’s a breakfast side in the Americas, where potatoes originally come from, and I don’t like it there either. Call me when you find some flavor! 😉

What’s something from your home culture that you’ve introduced into your multicultural relationship?

Roadtripping. I love Swiss trains, but this year we made extra use of Ralph’s car to get off the beaten path. Ralph, like most Swiss, would never think to get into a car to go sightsee somewhere like Baselland, Jura, or Canton Aargau. But we do these mini trips a lot now during lockdown and learn a lot about the history of this land. Did you know, for instance, that Aargau was the frontier of Burgundy in the ninth century? Or that Chur and parts of Graübunden were Muslim Saracen in the 10th century? I love these phantom pasts and invisible seams. On my birthday this past December, we had an epic roadtrip. We drove 1-hour to France for lunch on Friday, 1-hour to Germany for lunch on Saturday, and 2-hours to Italy for lunch on Sunday. When we told Ralph’s mother, she thought we were nutso. In general, we try to be reasonable with the petro we use, and we only fly when necessary, and we ride our bikes in the summer. But sometimes we splurge on these roadtrips to get farther afield.

(In non-pandemic times) Do you get to go back “home” often?

I try to go once every two years to the US. My family lives in Florida, so not a bad place to visit in winter.

What is the first thing you grab/eat when you arrive back to the USA? And when you return to Switzerland?

Nobody does sandwiches like Americans. Big messy, creative, seasonal, cheese melty and easy to eat on the go. I especially miss simple breakfast sandwiches, bacon, egg and cheese on a roll, biscuit, or stuffed in a tortilla. I always haul home boxes of different things from the US, but always triscuits, Girl Scout Cookies, (Thin Mints), green chiles, chipotle powder, and celery salt. When coming home, I always go straight for a big hunk of Swiss cheese. It truly is the best cheese in Europe (Sorry France and Italy!). I especially look forward to eating tons of Swiss cheese when I get back from my long trips in Japan. Appenzeller Extra is my fav. Gruyere is great too. Ralph prefers Emmentaler. I couldn’t live without Swiss cheese.

Has being married Swiss made integrating easier?

Yes, so much more. I have a lot of friends who live here and are not married to a Swiss person, and I think they are missing out on something extra wonderful about the kindness culture of adopted Swiss families. My Swiss family are so kind and nice to me. They are such good people. Even though they see me as the crazy American. Every single person in Ralph’s family has an “imported spouse” so we are a fun mix of Spanish, Germans, Italians, Austrians, and Americans, all doing our best to be good Swiss Samaritans.

When have you both had to make compromises because of cultural differences?

Spending money/perceptions of quality: I am typically American in that I want to buy more for less, and Ralph, like most Swiss, hangs onto this annoying nationalist Swiss illusion that spending more money on Swiss products from Swiss supermarkets like Coop and Migros always means better quality. We find individual compromises as conflicts arise, but this has caused so many heated arguments between us. In America, if you say you only shop at American owned grocery stores, you’re considered ultra-conservative nationalist. But most Swiss Germans proudly tell you that they only shop at Swiss-owned supermarkets. I refuse to go along with this and it’s xenophobic and racist. I am an immigrant here and I like shopping at immigrant-owned businesses where I encounter a bigger and infinitely better variety of food. I love being around other Zurich immigrants, women in hijabs, Ethiopian men, Sri Lankans, Balkans, and other POC. These encounters are highlights of my food shopping. And this is what inclusiveness and diversity is all about to me. Ralph initially refused to entertain the idea that a foreign product could be better than a Swiss one so I started making us do blind taste tastes. Co-Op butter vs French butter. Migros mayo vs Aldi mayo. Globus eggs vs Alsace eggs. German Bread vs Swiss Bread. We are both wrong about 50% of the time, so it’s been our most productive compromise. But for the record, there are no clear winners when it comes to taste. Co-op and Migros do have some products that are better, but definitely not everything.

Any humorous misunderstandings?

When I first moved here, I was freaked out about handshakes vs. kisses. I don’t especially like the three kiss greeting, but I didn’t want to be rude so I kissed everyone on the cheek three times: in-laws, taxi drivers, work colleagues and my Hausartz (house doctor). I eventually learned when and how and who to kiss. But I’ll take a contactless Japanese bow over a Swiss triple kiss any day. We needn’t touch in order to mentally connect.

How do you deal with the question of Samichlaus/Santa Claus/Christkindli and other cross-cultural traditions?

We don’t have kids, so that’s easy. I happily go along with most Swiss traditions. Once, I confided in Ralph that I didn’t love the Swiss Christmas dinner of Fondue Chinois and Ralph told his family, and they changed the meal for me. I was mortified and didn’t want or expect that, but it was a nice change one year. I don’t think I brought many of my American traditions over and you certainly won’t find me shoving Fourth Of July or Memorial Day down anyone’s throat. But this year I did make a Jack-o-Lantern for Halloween and a turkey and stuffing for Thanksgiving, only because the pandemic made me feel sentimental.

Is Switzerland now home?

Yes, and it will be “a” home forever, but probably not the only home.